Family Values in Islam

"Thy Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him. And that you show kindness to your parents. If one or both of them attain old age, never say to them as much as 'ugh' nor reproach them, but always address them with kind speech. And lower to them the wing of humility out of tenderness. And say, ''My Lord, have mercy on them evenas they nourished me when I was a little child.... " And give to the kinsrnan his due, and to the poor and the wayfarer.... And kill not your children for fear of poverty. It is We who provide for them and for you. Surely, the killing of them is a grievous sin. And go not near adultery, surely it is a manifest indecency and an evil way. '' (Surah 17:24-33)

Family is a divinely established institution of human society. It is an institution of love, care, compassion and kindness. It brings progress, prosperity, peace and tranquillity in the society. It nurtures values and makes human beings civilized. A family comes into existence by the coming together of a man and a woman in marriage and their contract brings into existence a new family and a new generation. This family produces the tie of kinship and community, which develops into a large society. The family is the institution through which one generation prepares another for the service of human civilization. Members of this institution desire that those who replace them should be better than they themselves. Parents want to see their children happier, healthier, more educated, and better human beings than their own selves. Islam has placed great emphasis on family and family values.

However, in the Western culture in general and in America in particular family is in deep trouble. 50% of the children born in United States now are born outside of the wedlock. This is unprecedented in human civilization. Family violence has increased beyond any imagination. Child abuse, spousal abuse and elder parents abuse is rampant in this society. There are many people in the Western society who are concerned about this state of affairs. They want to restore the family. But the family system will not come back or flourish by wishful thinking and mere preaching. The society has to be established on moral and ethical values. The family can only flourish if the proper moral, ethical and spiritual values are instilled in the hearts and minds of the people and righteous laws are established in the society. In order to bring the family institution into reality and to make it work, certain prerequisites must be fulfilled.

First of all, there must be a total ban on all sexual promiscuity that comes from the improper dress of men and women, from free mixing of males and females, from intoxicants, from pornographic literature and movies, and from everything that encourages or allows sexual immorality. This is important because the family cannot be established unless drastic steps are taken against all the immoralities that are going on in the society in the name of culture and freedom of expression.

There is also a need to emphasize more care and quality time in home and with the family. Because of the pressures of work and economic pursuits, homes have become like motels, where people only come to sleep. Many families do not eat at home or eat at different times. Also there is very little communication between the family members. Many young people do not talk to their parents. Parents and children both prefer to spend their free time and holidays with friends, rather than with each other, because of this lack of communication.

There is a great wisdom in the large and extended family system. Families today have become very small. Very often one sees a family today consisting of only the husband, wife, and their children, or just one parent and his/her children. This makes people very lonely. It creates stress at the time of sickness, sadness or economic hardship. Also in the situation of conflict and dispute between the couple or between parent and children people go through great suffering, trauma, distress, and pain because one does not know to whom to turn and whose help to seek. Thus, we must place emphasis upon family members' living together or closer to each other. Families must come together and live together as much as possible.

Beside love and compassion Islam also structures the family on a system of authority and rule. As the head of the household husband is given the position of authority to maintain order and discipline. Islam does not favor a loose and disjointed family system which is without any authority, control, or discipline. Since discipline can only be maintained through a central authority, the man is given the responsibility of authority. However, this does not mean that he is given a free license to dictate upon the family his terms, like a tyrant or an oppressor. Man must use his authority with love, compassion and must consult with his wife. The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The best of you are those who are best to their ahl, meaning spouses and children. And I am the best of you to my family." The Prophet was never an authoritarian in his home. His authority was the most compassionate and kind authority. A family cannot be functional without rules and responsibilities. To maintain a smooth family you must have an orderly system. The wife must listen to the husband. The husband must consult his wife and communicate with her. The children must listen to their parents and obey them. Parents must also love their children, respect their feelings and opinions and recognize their need for self-esteem especially among their friends. They must treat all their children whether boys or girls equally. All respect is mutual. The children love and respect those parents who love them and respect them. Also if we respect our parents, then our children will respect us.

Islam also discourages divorce. The Prophet (pbuh) said about divorce: "It is permissible but it is the most hateful thing in the sight of Allah." The permission is only for the situations of extreme necessity. All families have disputes one time or another. The word 'divorce' should be the last word to be uttered and it should be used with full awareness of the consequences. The couple should know that marriage is a permanent partnership and the separation is allowed only when they absolutely cannot live together. Disputes should be resolved as soon as possible so that they do not reach to the point of divorce. The couples should not hesitate seeking advice of experts in the situations of disputes and difficulties. Prolonged disputes are likely to become prolonged and neglected sickness that often becomes incurable. Once the reconciliation has taken place then the couple should not remind each other about past mistakes. Most of the times we see that the divorces occur because of selfishness, individualism, lack of willingness to sacrifice for the sake of other, or because the partners do not want to give full respect to each other or they do not follow the Islamic principles piety and righteousness. Those who have the Taqwa of Allah in their lives they make the best families.